he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
