i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
