I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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