Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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