my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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