my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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