I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
