so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
