i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
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Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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