I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
