Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
