so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
