You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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