Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
