I skipped work to stalk him.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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