4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
