i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
