Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Who died my cat blue again?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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