There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
