You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
