A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
