Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
