I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
