I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
