DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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