if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
