She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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