can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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