he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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