I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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