Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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