i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
