put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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