I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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