I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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