I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
we made out on top of his cat.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
