i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
