Apparently you make a good broom.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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