Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
