whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
