theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
