I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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