Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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