So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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