I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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