I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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