So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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