You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
sex in a hospital.. check
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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