I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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