my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
