i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
