This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
