by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
